It was sooooo hard and they were almost sick. The poor little celebs had to climb a big mountain. They even raised £1.6 million in the process. Well done. But what they didn’t tell you was that it took 33 climbers, 2 doctors, 100 porters, two runners and half a tonne of broadcasting equipment to do it.

Every day, a team of hard-as-nails crew got up before the stars, climbed ahead to film, sent a runner to take the tape back to camp which was then edited while the celebrities rested. How fit was the guy that ran down the mountain and back up again in the time it took the celebrities to do one day’s walking? Surely the mountain isn’t that impressive if you can get two editing suites up it without using a helicopter?

The BBC is really irritating during Comic Relief, thinking it’s a great way to spend the licence fee and take a bit of a holiday whilst squeezing every little last penny out of the British public. However, there’s nothing comic, or relieving about sending several wealthy celebrities on a challenge that isn’t that difficult with a team of staff that cost at least a million pounds. Making each of them work in a soup kitchen for a week could have been cheaper, funnier and they wouldn’t have had the nerve to pose in sunglasses whilst they did it.

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Useless and faddy. Jamie Oliver has tainted it and you know it’s not cool when politicians blame it for terrorism. If I was really cynical I might say that the Mumbai bombers were actually the PR staff.

(3 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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I’m not actually putting house moves into the Shitopedia. In fact, seeing new places and having a change of scenery can be an inspiring thing to do and enrich the soul. What I do have a problem with, is the several months of being “on hold” that goes with it. A certain British telecommunications company seemed to have a lot of trouble with the concept of moving house. At one point I considered whether I was their first customer to venture the idea. Maybe other users of telephones and broadband prefer being manacled to their homes for the security it gives them. Why see the world when you can spend £60 a month chatting to your gas provider or playing bingo online?

The best bit was when the woman on the telephone sighed audibly at the suggestion we shouldn’t have to pay for a service we don’t receive and that the contract we signed might work both ways.

Likewise the banks shuffled nervously like birds on a wobbly telephone line.
continue reading "Moving House"

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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I was in the cafe in Marks and Spencers today, when a little old lady nearly had a heart attack. The shock was palpable and everyone on the surrounding tables jumped. There was a sound like the end of the world which turned out not to be a mobile phone, but something much noisier and much more insistent - a “food ready” gadget designed to summon customers to the staff when toasties have been heated up. Now call me old fashioned, but I thought that’s what waitresses were for. Anyhoos, the poor old dear was forced to do that sort of “oo-hoo-hoo i don’t understand all this modern technology” apologetic laugh and leg it to the counter as soon as possible so that someone would take it off her like a ticking bomb and make it stop. The noise reminded me of scene in the I.T. Crowd when the mobile phone gets pimped. Check it out here.

(3 votes, average: 2.67 out of 5)

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Swearing is a legitimate form of communication, and one of my favourites, alongside talking, arguing and shouting.

People who are against swearing are therefore royally dumped into the Shit category by me.

I read an interesting quote one day which said:

If you don’t like obscenity, you don’t like the truth. If you don’t like the truth, watch how you vote.”

Unfortunately, I cannot remember who said or wrote that, but unattributed quotes are second only to wrongly attributed quotes in the list of all that is shit, so that is the way it must remain. I’m getting off topic, so to summise: Anti-swearing people can fuck right off.

(5 votes, average: 3.4 out of 5)

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As I was at home today I happened to speak with a relative in Australia. OK, it was early evening his time and early morning my time, but he happened to mention that - apart from having had a couple of G&Ts - he was listening to some cheesy Christmas tracks.

This, spookily, got me thinking. I do like some Chrismas songs - carols are good for example - but… and here’s where I think a Shitopedia entry is deserved, WTF is/are ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’ or ‘Fairytale of New York’ about?! I find it highly unlikely that a muslim child in Somalia is going to understand the relevance of Christmas, and what has a random Irish song about a boat (at its most obvious) got to do with the festive season?

Then there’s Wham.

Oh, and Elton John.

’nuff said I think.

Christmas songs (but not carols!) - shite.

Happy Christmas and/or relevant festive occasion to one and all.

{edit - slapping myself for a superfluous apostrophe}

(4 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Here’s the blacklist of people who claim to be among God’s chosen ones:

• Jenny McCarthy
• Nicole Kidman
• Katherine McPhee
• Michael J Fox
• Jessica Simpson
• Madonna
• Big Gun
• Yolanda Adams
• Movado

Let us know if you come across any more.

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Does anyone actually like rats?

There’s little to be said for rats, in my opinion, and, without wasps, would be the worst animal of all.

As it is, they certainly claim the prize of worst mammal.

I once had the misfortune of discovering a rat which had got itself trapped in a dustbin and was trying to jump out (it couldn’t) and then the obvious cunundrum of what to do with this beast.

Don’t ask.

These rodents are in the Shitopedia now, where they should stay. 5 stars for irritation from me.

(4 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Speed up a good song and then rap over it. A timeless money-spinner. However, it sounds stupid and really gets on my nerves. Listen to this selection.

(4 votes, average: 1.75 out of 5)

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One day, driving through Leeds, we came across some sort of pirate radio showcasing the most home-spun hip-hop you’ve ever heard. The funniest thing about it is, the backing tracks are always quite good - the DJ’s use the same technology as the best hip hop artists on the scene. All you need is some equipment and a PC. Not difficult.

No, the problem is the Yorkshire accents and the chat about the “streets” of Beeston and Chapeltown. I’ve been to Beeston and Chapeltown. They are rough, but it’s hardly worthy of Brooklyn vernacular. Somehow, the accent seems really out of place in the music. It’s like Fred Dibnah dropping the base.

The worst part is just how much these musicians aspire to having a difficult and dangerous life, when really they’re not that far from the Yorkshire Dales, Harewood House, Roundhay Park and some really lovely suburbs. The urban jungle is mostly in their head.

(4 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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