Sport Relief is a bag of self-aggrandising shit if ever I saw one.

The BBC invents a charity event, then proceeds to report its existence everywhere, and even people who have nothing to do with sport whatsoever start bandwaggoning the whole thing for all it is worth. Well Done.

You should all be knighted – especially Eddie Izzard.

Or not.

Charity should be silent. It should be giving everything of yourself. The shouty, self-congratulatory mutual masturbation that is Sport Relief is not charity. It is something else.

If you want to give, give something important, that isn’t easily come by. Don’t allow some celebrity to convince you that running a few marathons with a support crew, or putting on a 5 hour long bit of live tv that shows everyone in a positive light is anything other than a lovvie fest. Give your time to a worthy cause this week. Then go for a jog alone, or with a friend.

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I just logged into the Shitopedia for the first time in ages and I can tell you that the quality of comments received has not improved much in nearly a year!

Of course, if you like something that someone is calling “shit” for one reason or another, you’re going to disagree, but try to do so in an eloquent manner…
continue reading "Blog Comments"

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It’s a phrase I even catch myself using, and I despise it. Whose idea was it to turn ‘parent’ into a verb? It implies that it’s something you do to your kids, rather than something you are. And with this implication comes the inevitable pressure to do it right. ‘Parenting advice’ is a huge market now, and from what I can tell, most of the advice out there can be distilled down as follows:
continue reading "Parenting"

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It was sooooo hard and they were almost sick. The poor little celebs had to climb a big mountain. They even raised £1.6 million in the process. Well done. But what they didn’t tell you was that it took 33 climbers, 2 doctors, 100 porters, two runners and half a tonne of broadcasting equipment to do it.
continue reading "The Celebrity Ascent of Kilimanjaro"

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Useless and faddy. Jamie Oliver has tainted it and you know it’s not cool when politicians blame it for terrorism. If I was really cynical I might say that the Mumbai bombers were actually the PR staff.

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I’m not actually putting house moves into the Shitopedia. In fact, seeing new places and having a change of scenery can be an inspiring thing to do and enrich the soul. What I do have a problem with, is the several months of being “on hold” that goes with it. A certain British telecommunications company seemed to have a lot of trouble with the concept of moving house. At one point I considered whether I was their first customer to venture the idea. Maybe other users of telephones and broadband prefer being manacled to their homes for the security it gives them. Why see the world when you can spend £60 a month chatting to your gas provider or playing bingo online?

The best bit was when the woman on the telephone sighed audibly at the suggestion we shouldn’t have to pay for a service we don’t receive and that the contract we signed might work both ways.

Likewise the banks shuffled nervously like birds on a wobbly telephone line.
continue reading "Moving House"

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I was in the cafe in Marks and Spencers today, when a little old lady nearly had a heart attack. The shock was palpable and everyone on the surrounding tables jumped. There was a sound like the end of the world which turned out not to be a mobile phone, but something much noisier and much more insistent – a “food ready” gadget designed to summon customers to the staff when toasties have been heated up. Now call me old fashioned, but I thought that’s what waitresses were for. Anyhoos, the poor old dear was forced to do that sort of “oo-hoo-hoo i don’t understand all this modern technology” apologetic laugh and leg it to the counter as soon as possible so that someone would take it off her like a ticking bomb and make it stop. The noise reminded me of scene in the I.T. Crowd when the mobile phone gets pimped.

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Swearing is a legitimate form of communication, and one of my favourites, alongside talking, arguing and shouting.

People who are against swearing are therefore royally dumped into the Shit category by me.

I read an interesting quote one day which said:

If you don’t like obscenity, you don’t like the truth. If you don’t like the truth, watch how you vote.”

Unfortunately, I cannot remember who said or wrote that, but unattributed quotes are second only to wrongly attributed quotes in the list of all that is shit, so that is the way it must remain. I’m getting off topic, so to summise: Anti-swearing people can fuck right off.

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As I was at home today I happened to speak with a relative in Australia. OK, it was early evening his time and early morning my time, but he happened to mention that – apart from having had a couple of G&Ts – he was listening to some cheesy Christmas tracks.

This, spookily, got me thinking. I do like some Chrismas songs – carols are good for example – but… and here’s where I think a Shitopedia entry is deserved, WTF is/are ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’ or ‘Fairytale of New York’ about?! I find it highly unlikely that a muslim child in Somalia is going to understand the relevance of Christmas, and what has a random Irish song about a boat (at its most obvious) got to do with the festive season?

Then there’s Wham.

Oh, and Elton John.

’nuff said I think.

Christmas songs (but not carols!) – shite.

Happy Christmas and/or relevant festive occasion to one and all.

{edit – slapping myself for a superfluous apostrophe}

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Here’s the blacklist of people who claim to be among God’s chosen ones:

• Jenny McCarthy
• Nicole Kidman
• Katherine McPhee
• Michael J Fox
• Jessica Simpson
• Madonna
• Big Gun
• Yolanda Adams
• Movado

Let us know if you come across any more.

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