Bill squabbling

Picture the scene -

1. You’ve had a meal out in a restaurant with a large number of various groups of friends.

2. Everyone is slightly the worse for wear.

3. Someone asks for the bill.

4. The clucking and crowing begins followed by some rising screeching and ultimate claw scratching.

After a brief round of “How much is it?……Oof!…Ouch!” ‘s from everybody the team leader decides to take charge of the situation and start organising various plans for payment. Depending on the level of integration, trust and financial situations throughout the group, the next 20 minutes can become a painfully frustrating debacle for everyone involved. 

You have 3 general types of player in this social game;

The easy-going drunkard -

 The most useful player in reaching a conclusion. This member will generally opt for the “split the bill by number of eaters” approach, which, basic maths skills allowing, would resolve the problem quite quickly. However, if this member has decided to undertake the role of Bill Manager, they are often not of resolute enough mind to withstand the torment inflicted by others such as:

The Haggler -

This member of the group often has an uncanny knack of remembering the prices of each dish ordered, down to the last .99 pence. They are often a quiet and sober eater during the meal but are ready for their perfected sneer of disgusted scorn, spitting out interjections such as, “Well you cant exactly compare a tomato salad to a bloody steak au poiv-reh, can you?”

The Dark Overseer of Ceremonies -

This member is often the most responsible for whipping up the bitter angst throughout the group. While refusing to actually take charge of the bill, they feel an intense moral duty to engage their superior intellect in questioning every proposed solution. Just when everyone seems content that their interests have been met, the Overseer pokes the boot in and the confusion resumes once more. Real shitter for everybody.

This phenomenon is pretty shitty. However, not to be forgotten is the inverse Bill Squabble, with fewer members, who this time are desperate to pay as much of the bill as possible. In a modern day interpretation of feather-flapping showmanship, the two alpha males of a group may butt heads over whose embossed Visa will get the swipe of honour. I have even witnessed illusionary toilet trips by ingenious men of dignity, so pumped with their own generosity they are literally bursting at the seams.

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