Speed up a good song and then rap over it. A timeless money-spinner. However, it sounds stupid and really gets on my nerves. Listen to this selection.

One day, driving through Leeds, we came across some sort of pirate radio showcasing the most home-spun hip-hop you’ve ever heard. The funniest thing about it is, the backing tracks are always quite good - the DJ’s use the same technology as the best hip hop artists on the scene. All you need is some equipment and a PC. Not difficult.

No, the problem is the Yorkshire accents and the chat about the “streets” of Beeston and Chapeltown. I’ve been to Beeston and Chapeltown. They are rough, but it’s hardly worthy of Brooklyn vernacular. Somehow, the accent seems really out of place in the music. It’s like Fred Dibnah dropping the base.

The worst part is just how much these musicians aspire to having a difficult and dangerous life, when really they’re not that far from the Yorkshire Dales, Harewood House, Roundhay Park and some really lovely suburbs. The urban jungle is mostly in their head.

Does anyone know which station this was? (Lots of hip-hop). Does anyone wish to defend it?

“1xtra, 1xtra, News, News, 1xtra News”. Anyone who listens to the radio all day will understand what I mean when I say radio jingles suck. They repeat the title, or parts of the title several thousand times in different voices as though we don’t get the point.

Anyone who has seen Family Guy season 5, episode 2 “Mother Tucker” may recall “The Weenie and The Butt” radio show where the DJ’s play endless jingles and countless sound effects giving the lost and found announcements no chance.

Chris Moyles does some good parodies of this phenomenon and I found some amusing jingles on youtube but couldn’t get past this fantastic video of what it is like to actually record them - how do they keep a straight face? Watch the guy who keeps the time with his right hand:

I’m impressed that Kanye West wants us to think he drinks Ribena, and would have believed his non-written rouse, if it weren’t for one thing…

Please Kanye West, explain to me, how does one pronounce the word “rubbish”?

The evergreen pushy momma’s boy Usher is a perennial irritant: coming back year after year with his absurd lyrics and insanely catchy base-lines.

Usher’s music is generally above average; the guy can sing; and he also, in his mother, has a built in maternal publicity/management machine. And this is where my questions begin to appear.

Let’s take “love in the club”, the Ush dog’s latest musical offering. I’m worried about any mother who - as manager of her beloved son - would seemingly condone such questionable activities as engaging in promiscuity in a nightclub toilet. On the floor.

That’s not cool, mom.

If one has been listening to the radio, they will instantly recognize
an incredibly repetitive and aggravating song called ‘Crank That’ by some teenage rapper named ‘Soulja Boy’.

This tune has inexplicably reached over twenty five million hits on
YouTube as of December 15, 2007, and shows no signs of slowing down.

It is difficult to count the number of times brilliant lyrics like
“Youuuuuuu”, “Super Man That Ho”, or “Crank That Soulja
Boy” appears in the ’song’. Enough already!

Everything about this rapper screams one-hit-wonder.

One of the shittiest and annoying things one has to cope with in modern life is mobile phones that are also mp3 players. Now, I do agree that perhaps having a mobile phone that doubles as an mp3 player is a good idea, as it saves carrying both things around, but to listen to this music without the use of headphones should surely be made a criminal offence.

The most annoying place to experience this is while on a bus, as you are unable to escape until either you, or the offending person gets off. You are also, of course, unable to say anything, as the people who are guilty of this terribly anti-social act are almost always chavs, listening to their own brand of shitty ‘music’, and who will threaten to ’stab you up’ or something equally violent and uncalled for if you have the nerve of politely asking them to turn it down (or preferably, off) before your brain melts.

So guess what chavs - no-one wants to hear your shitty music so turn it the hell off!

There are few musicians or musical acts around who annoy me more than Akon.

The man has one real problem, given his career choice of being a mediocre at best singer: he has the most irritating voice in the world. Listening to Akon’s whiny strains has been likened by some to the enjoyable experience of “that noise when a mosquito flies into your ear.”

It is difficult to place his music too. Some call it hip-hop, though it clearly is not. Most people have thrown it into the “R ‘n’ B” genre, though where the rhythm and blues are here I would question. Having said that, the RnB label has been misused for so long it is entirely without meaning…

But the pain does not stop there.

Not only do we have to listen to Akon on the radio, and on music television - a particular favourite is his “Don’t Matter” song, which has about three words, repeated over and over again. The best bit in this song is when whingey old Akon shuts up, and they play some calypso music. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long, and Akon begins repeating:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no

About seventy billion times.

Believe it, or believe it not, the above video of Akon has been viewed over 26 million times. The world has become a sad and confusing place.

No, we also have to endure endless mobile phone ringtone adverts featuring Akon. “Get the latest Akon vibe on your celly!!!!!” Doubtless, some idiot has got this most irritating noise as their phone’s ringer. I get annoyed by phone-calls at the best of times, I can think of nothing worse than hearing Akon every time someone wants to speak with me.

Petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’

Whenever I talk about Akon, I am sure to pronounce his name the correct way - ‘Acorn’ - just like the seed of an oak tree. This is the best explanation for his voice, and also makes him more of a fun character than a serious musician. So, from now on, everyone must call him Acorn.

Acorn is not dissimilar to the friendly old character “Oakey Doke” except, of course, Oakie Doke could sing, and he had a great signature tune. Sign the petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’ by leaving a comment at the bottom. This is the only way I will countenance more music from Acorn.

Akon: a terrible parody of himself; with a horrible, whiny voice singing songs that wouldn’t sound out of place in a fourth sequel to The Lion King.

Never has there been a more infuriating little frog. On the scale of wierdness, the Toad out of The Wind and the Willows was pretty strange -but he was a gentleman of sorts and certainly didn’t have his male genitalia hanging out.

The incomprehensible “Daa Daa Di Daa Daa” etc also adds to the perverse character that has infected several thousand mobile phones and disgraced advertising segments. The rising tone and urgency of this… song? is somehow psychologically engineered to induce panic and claustrophobia.

I will not even go into the gross overpricing of the polyphonic ringtones. That could take up an entire website alone.

As though the ring tone and the dark rimmed eyes of the grey cartoon character weren’t enough, somebody thought it appropriate to extend the several seconds of horror into an entire single released into music stores across the world. Evil knows no limits. I even saw the “music video”  in the pub the other night and I had to lie down in a dark room for an hour.

A friend of mine decided that it would be funny to download this particular monstrosity onto his girlfriend’s mobile phone. Understandably, she questioned her choice of mate and promptly put the phone onto silent until she could extricate herself from the tentacles of the phone company charging her by the second for listening to the harmonies of hell.

I wish they had banned the thing as promised.