A simple biology lesson here: babies are brought forth from the womb, not the stomach – so why avoid the fact in a newspaper headline? The Sun devotes an entire department to catchy headlines and puns, yet the New Zealand Herald seems unable to muster any sort of excitement or effort in its reporting of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy. “Jolie’s Stomach Steals Thunder at Cannes (+photos/video)“.

What has happened to Pluto?

And I don’t mean the lovable dog belonging to Mickey Mouse.

How many people does it take to demolish a planet?

Only 424.

Turned to a dwarf

Pluto has been downgraded to the status of a dwarf planet and no longer counts as our ninth planet of the solar system.

This was decided on the last day of the International Astronomical Union in August 2006, late and after most of the delegates had left.

Alan Stern, leader of the NASA New Horizons Mission to Pluto, said: “Less than five per cent of the world’s astronomers voted. I’m embarrassed for astronomy.”

I am obliged to the Observer Book of Space, published with the Observer newspaper on 11 November 2007, for all this information, as well as for a piece on the 1974 Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence message sent from Arecibo, Puerto Rico.

This was, in brief, a numerical message which would form a picture explaining who we, human beings, are. It included a representation of our solar system.

With nine planets.

As it should be.

Let’s Get Together

Surely we can find more than 424 people who wish to BRING BACK PLUTO and reinstate it as a planet, returning it to the fold.

Join me in the quest by joining the Facebook Group, Bring Back Pluto.

My father, an American born in 1901, insisted that we four children learn the names of the planets from the sun outwards and he was only 29 when Pluto was discovered. He would tell us how exciting that discovery was. In his memory, I hope to re-instate our ninth planet to its full glory.

After all, in his lifetime he learned of the first flight at Kittyhawk and of the first discoverey Pluto and watched the first men walk on the Moon and even worked in the space industry himself. From horse and buggy, to space travel in one man’s lifetime. BRING BACK PLUTO to honour him and all those who have lived in that amazing 20th century.

• For those wishing to know, Pluto the Disney character was named after the planet on its discovery.

Recently the good old Middlesbrough has been labelled as the worst place to live in Britain, with Edinburgh top of the poll.

I work in Middlesbrough and was most amused to see this rant by good old Jeff Stelling, he backs up our office sentiment entirely!

Saturday’s Daily Telegraph (UK) buried a piece of news down page on page 9 (Saturday 3 November 2007) which is really worth a shout of Victor Meldrewness.

Hidden beside the advertisements was this:

‘A Government minister who once called dangerous drivers “serial potential killers” was fined yesterday for using a mobile phone while driving.

‘Liam Byrne, the immigration minister, sat on a parliamentary committee that increased fixed penalty fines for driving while using a mobile from £30 to £60.

‘Mr [Note: Daily Telegraph, why call him Mr here, when other court cases just use the surname?] Byrne, 37, a former police officer and a rising star in Gordon Brown’s government, claimed [he] was taking an important call about deportation when he was stopped in Birmingham in July.’

He was fined £100 plust costs and given three points on his licence.

My point is that the sheer hypocrisy of the MP for Birmingham Hodge Hill is unbelievable. And how did the story come to be so “buried”? A front page link would have been worthwhile.

No matter how important the call, the law is that you must not use a mobile (except for handsfree) while driving. He should have pulled over to take or recall the call.

Byrne should do the honourable thing and resign. But then, pigs might fly.

Every day, it seems, we are given the results of a completely useless ‘study’ in news reports.

These usually share one or all of the following elements of uselessness:

• Absolute mind-crushingly obviousness – e.g. “Scientists have discovered that people enjoy doing nice things…”
• Completely pointless research – e.g. “Researchers at the New York University have this week announced that people who like dogs also have hair on their body…”

These stories are thrown at us with startling regularity.

One can be forgiven for thinking that many ‘scientists’ and ‘researchers’ are literally wasting thousands of hours – and dollars – investigating things that are either a) completely bloody obvious or b) not worth knowing.

Research something interesting; something useful; or something which I could not have logically hypothesized  myself.

In this day and age of transparency, when even the smallest parish councillor must declare an interest if an agenda item is in any way connected to him; and when professionals such as lawyers, accountants and the like must at all times be aware of any potential conflict of interest, why does this care-fulness not extend to the top?

Alastair Darling, the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, stepped in a few weeks ago to urge the Bank of England (over which, incidentally, his boss Gordon Brown surrendered control during his days in the same post) to rescue the ailing Northern Rock bank, an ex-building society.

Only this past week did he have the gumption to admit, very very quietly, and in the middle of other news so it was “buried”, that he has a mortgage with…. guess who?

Yup, Northern Rock.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

After my complaints of yesterday (see Telly Vision), this morning’s offerings from the great and mighty BBC Breakfast, a “news” programme were the following:

1. Picture of “reporter” still living it up in Playa de Luz, Portugal, outside police station yet again telling us there was nothing to tell us.

2. Interview with McCanns’ new publicist on sofa in soft pink shirt, saying there was nothing he could say, but that they didn’t do it. Every question raised was answered with “that’s evidential and I can make no comment on that, but I can say…” So no news there then.

3. Cut to weather girl in mac in Blue Peter Garden – oh, pleeeeease.

4. Shot of “reporter” on street opposite the gates of Chelsea FC to “report” on the sacking/parting by mutual consent of Jose Marinho and the Blues, telling us again that he could tell us nothing. Fascinating shots of buses etc passing behind him.

5. Shot of policital reporter in window bay of Brighton hotel making much of the non-news created by media that the LibDems want to get rid of “Ming”. Again, most fascinating joggers, cars, buses passing behind in front of the grey grey sea. We got no farther forward there, then.

6. Discussion of a paper on airline poisonous air in cockpits and cabins, two guests, one saying yes it was poisonous and had ruined her health, the other saying only very very few pilots and staff were affected. The problem with this was the paper was not to be published until 11am – and this was between 7 and 9, so again a non-story, as they were commenting on what might or might not be contained in the said paper.

7. Winsome story about fly fishing for women post breast cancer ops, very pretty story. Don’t know how much farther it took us on our life journey.

Gawd save us! what a waste of licencepayers’ money

The internet is fast overtaking the television as the primary source of information for many people. Apparently, in the 16-25 age group, people are now spending more hours online than they do watching television. But this does not stop the TV stations from stealing their ‘news’ from YouTube (and promoting that website in the process!).

I’m sick to death off turning on the television and seeing a ‘report’ about how some kid has been ‘happy slapped’ or a bullying incident that was posted to YouTube being replayed to the TV watching masses.

That is not news, it is gratuitous reproduction of an emotive video. More importantly, it is one your news station didn’t make, so you’re not telling me anything I couldn’t have found for myself.

Politicians are at it now, so it must be bad. They are all posting their campaign and party political bullshit on YouTube, safe in the knowledge that lazy TV journos the world over will rip it off and play it on the news – “look how cool Kevin Rudd is, he put this on YouTube…” Piss off.

You’re a TV news station. By definition, you must have your own cameras. Use them. Stop stealing videos from YouTube. That’s just lazy.