“Networking” involves standing in a room with (ostensibly) like-minded individuals who share a common desire to shaft one another given the first opportunity but must first bandwaggon in order to get into the position of being a “shafter” as opposed to a “shaftee”.

Networking is the activity through which this may be achieved. It normally involves liberal scattering of business cards, excessive “brown-nosing”, feigning interest, management speak and finger food.

This last element invokes the “free rider problem” whereby those looking for a free lunch can join the munal bullshitting in return for a selection of salmon hors d’oeuvres and crappy wine.

See also: handing out business cards (to everyone)

Owing to a number of comments and posts on the subject, the time has come for poor grammar to be given a special mention here on The Shitopedia. I do not pretend to be a literary giant or a guardian of my mother tongue. I, too, make mistakes and typos. However, poor grammar in its worst form is infuriating. Nothing gives me less pride in my nation than to hear a Brit abroad say something along the lines of, “Oh yeah we been everywhere. We done Melbourne, we done Sydney”.
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A hideous phrase used by sancitmonious little brats all over the English speaking world.

The reason for my distaste is exemplified in the film, “Cruel Intentions”, in which the unsuspecting Cecile is groomed to sexual awareness by the svelte and savvy Sebastian, only to bid him farewell with a two-finger peace-sign and the words “peace out”.

Keep it in the 1980′s and the Scout Camp. “Peace out” is cringeworthy and pitiful.

Every day, it seems, we are given the results of a completely useless ‘study’ in news reports.

These usually share one or all of the following elements of uselessness:

• Absolute mind-crushingly obviousness – e.g. “Scientists have discovered that people enjoy doing nice things…”
• Completely pointless research – e.g. “Researchers at the New York University have this week announced that people who like dogs also have hair on their body…”

These stories are thrown at us with startling regularity.

One can be forgiven for thinking that many ‘scientists’ and ‘researchers’ are literally wasting thousands of hours – and dollars – investigating things that are either a) completely bloody obvious or b) not worth knowing.

Research something interesting; something useful; or something which I could not have logically hypothesized  myself.

One of the shittiest and annoying things one has to cope with in modern life is mobile phones that are also mp3 players. Now, I do agree that perhaps having a mobile phone that doubles as an mp3 player is a good idea, as it saves carrying both things around, but to listen to this music without the use of headphones should surely be made a criminal offence.

The most annoying place to experience this is while on a bus, as you are unable to escape until either you, or the offending person gets off. You are also, of course, unable to say anything, as the people who are guilty of this terribly anti-social act are almost always chavs, listening to their own brand of shitty ‘music’, and who will threaten to ‘stab you up’ or something equally violent and uncalled for if you have the nerve of politely asking them to turn it down (or preferably, off) before your brain melts.

So guess what chavs – no-one wants to hear your shitty music so turn it the hell off!

In this day and age of transparency, when even the smallest parish councillor must declare an interest if an agenda item is in any way connected to him; and when professionals such as lawyers, accountants and the like must at all times be aware of any potential conflict of interest, why does this care-fulness not extend to the top?

Alastair Darling, the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, stepped in a few weeks ago to urge the Bank of England (over which, incidentally, his boss Gordon Brown surrendered control during his days in the same post) to rescue the ailing Northern Rock bank, an ex-building society.

Only this past week did he have the gumption to admit, very very quietly, and in the middle of other news so it was “buried”, that he has a mortgage with…. guess who?

Yup, Northern Rock.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Harry Potter gets right on my nerves.

I have no problem with something which captures the imagination, and also feel that anything that gets children to read more books is almost always a Good Thing. However, when things become faddy, overmarketed, over-hyped and generally overdone, they become shit.

Harry Potter is one of those things.

No, I don’t care what is in the next Harry Potter and the dark warrior of Azerbaijan book, and neither should you, you’re thirty for heaven’s sake!

It really astounds me how many adults go so nuts over a kiddies book. There are really talented authors out there in the world, producing great works by the dozen, which are deeper, more meaningful and importantly, a better read. But no, you want to read Harry sodding Potter.

Those godawful, endless movies

With the unlikable Daniel Radcliffe as the ever annoying child prodigy, Harry, the Harry Potter movies are the most hideous pieces of filmography. Far too many special effects, hundreds of precocious little stage school brats overacting all over the place, each with their own little Oxford English accent – which should belong to the annals of the past, or upper class boarding schools – not a little orphan boy who lives in a suburban semi with his uncle and auntie.

The stupid, stupid names – which are almost stolen from Lord of The Rings

Find out the latest adventures of Gumblebore, Bumblebee, Warbly Barbly and Buggeryluggs. Bloody stupid names.

Harry Potter lunchboxes, Harry Potter toys, Harry Potter computer games, Harry Potter snakes and ladders

There are two people who promote everything that is marketed at children in the world – and this is a fact – Shrek, and Harry Potter. The seal of approval from one of these two will see any useless old piece of tat sell to every kid in the playground. The problem with this is that it means the little bugger gets everywhere. We have Harry Potter everything now! Including Harry Potter overkill.

The smarmy little prodigal son, who’s brilliant at everything… including magic. Aspirational? Impossible. The annoying little turd.

Remember when you were just a boy, and shaving had mystique? You couldn’t wait until your first shave, which would mark your progression into adulthood. Wow. That feeling wore off fast.

I hate shaving.

One problem with shaving is that, if I forget to do it, it only gets worse. The next time it will be painful. So I put it off again. Pretty soon, I’m getting funny looks, and every time I take my hat off, someone passing throws some spare change into it.

My primary annoyance, though, is not the physical act of shaving, which I dislike intensely, no, it is the cost. I use the most famous razor in the world, the Mach 3. It is the best a man can get (which is not that great). However, the replacement blades cost more per gram than cocaine.

I literally double the price of the shopping in my basket just by adding a pack of 4 razor blades! Painful, on the face, and the wallet.

Buying a printer for your PC is usually fairly inexpensive, they are often packaged into the deal with the computer. However, when you go to buy ink for the things, that is when you realise why companies are practically giving printers away: ink cartridges are hideously expensive.

For one printer I had, the colour cartridges cost MORE than the printer itself. This is very annoying.

You know that the prices are high when companies like “Cartridge World” can make a profit from having high street shops refilling the things. That is all that they do!

I am no longer sure whether printing at home is the cheapest option at all. Maybe I’ll go back to using printing firms.

We’ve all experienced them at one time or another, pavement crawlers are people who walk so slowly that we have to overtake them in the street, on foot.

There are many problems associated with pavement crawlers, not least the problem of actually overtaking people. It is quite bad for me, being a man, if the pavement crawler is a lone female, for example – I am in a rush, but there is little to tell her that I am not, in fact, an assailant of some kind. She begins to get worried and looks over her shoulder a lot as I begin to catch her up – little does she know that I don’t want to attack her, she’s just walking far too slowly to get anywhere in a reasonable time. However, still she will not speed up. I have even on occassion crossed over the road to avoid an embarrasing overtake maneuver.

Other types of pavement crawlers that are particularly annoying are those in groups. Teenage girls are quite bad, as they tend to link arms whilst dawdling up the side of the road, thus blocking the ENTIRE walkway.

Those who stop, without warning, to look in a shop window, should also be banned, as the knock on effects of the swerving and braking all those in the vicinity have to do reaps havoc on pavement proceedings.

There should be some sort of lane system, where tourists and shop browsers can dawdle around in the slow lane, without getting mown down by all the busy people. Failing that, some kind of indicators, or arm signals would be good, e.g. Signal when stopping; wave people round (it is safe to pass); put a yellow light on your head (slow moving object), etc.

Slow moving objects, such as pavement crawlers, are pretty shit.