“Networking” involves standing in a room with (ostensibly) like-minded individuals who share a common desire to shaft one another given the first opportunity but must first bandwaggon in order to get into the position of being a “shafter” as opposed to a “shaftee”.

Networking is the activity through which this may be achieved. It normally involves liberal scattering of business cards, excessive “brown-nosing”, feigning interest, management speak and finger food.

This last element invokes the “free rider problem” whereby those looking for a free lunch can join the munal bullshitting in return for a selection of salmon hors d’oeuvres and crappy wine.

See also: handing out business cards (to everyone)

What has happened to Pluto?

And I don’t mean the lovable dog belonging to Mickey Mouse.

How many people does it take to demolish a planet?

Only 424.

Turned to a dwarf

Pluto has been downgraded to the status of a dwarf planet and no longer counts as our ninth planet of the solar system.

This was decided on the last day of the International Astronomical Union in August 2006, late and after most of the delegates had left.

Alan Stern, leader of the NASA New Horizons Mission to Pluto, said: “Less than five per cent of the world’s astronomers voted. I’m embarrassed for astronomy.”

I am obliged to the Observer Book of Space, published with the Observer newspaper on 11 November 2007, for all this information, as well as for a piece on the 1974 Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence message sent from Arecibo, Puerto Rico.

This was, in brief, a numerical message which would form a picture explaining who we, human beings, are. It included a representation of our solar system.

With nine planets.

As it should be.

Let’s Get Together

Surely we can find more than 424 people who wish to BRING BACK PLUTO and reinstate it as a planet, returning it to the fold.

Join me in the quest by joining the Facebook Group, Bring Back Pluto.

My father, an American born in 1901, insisted that we four children learn the names of the planets from the sun outwards and he was only 29 when Pluto was discovered. He would tell us how exciting that discovery was. In his memory, I hope to re-instate our ninth planet to its full glory.

After all, in his lifetime he learned of the first flight at Kittyhawk and of the first discoverey Pluto and watched the first men walk on the Moon and even worked in the space industry himself. From horse and buggy, to space travel in one man’s lifetime. BRING BACK PLUTO to honour him and all those who have lived in that amazing 20th century.

• For those wishing to know, Pluto the Disney character was named after the planet on its discovery.

Owing to a number of comments and posts on the subject, the time has come for poor grammar to be given a special mention here on The Shitopedia. I do not pretend to be a literary giant or a guardian of my mother tongue. I, too, make mistakes and typos. However, poor grammar in its worst form is infuriating. Nothing gives me less pride in my nation than to hear a Brit abroad say something along the lines of, “Oh yeah we been everywhere. We done Melbourne, we done Sydney”.
continue reading "Poor Grammar"

Saturday’s Daily Telegraph (UK) buried a piece of news down page on page 9 (Saturday 3 November 2007) which is really worth a shout of Victor Meldrewness.

Hidden beside the advertisements was this:

‘A Government minister who once called dangerous drivers “serial potential killers” was fined yesterday for using a mobile phone while driving.

‘Liam Byrne, the immigration minister, sat on a parliamentary committee that increased fixed penalty fines for driving while using a mobile from £30 to £60.

‘Mr [Note: Daily Telegraph, why call him Mr here, when other court cases just use the surname?] Byrne, 37, a former police officer and a rising star in Gordon Brown’s government, claimed [he] was taking an important call about deportation when he was stopped in Birmingham in July.’

He was fined £100 plust costs and given three points on his licence.

My point is that the sheer hypocrisy of the MP for Birmingham Hodge Hill is unbelievable. And how did the story come to be so “buried”? A front page link would have been worthwhile.

No matter how important the call, the law is that you must not use a mobile (except for handsfree) while driving. He should have pulled over to take or recall the call.

Byrne should do the honourable thing and resign. But then, pigs might fly.

A hideous phrase used by sancitmonious little brats all over the English speaking world.

The reason for my distaste is exemplified in the film, “Cruel Intentions”, in which the unsuspecting Cecile is groomed to sexual awareness by the svelte and savvy Sebastian, only to bid him farewell with a two-finger peace-sign and the words “peace out”.

Keep it in the 1980’s and the Scout Camp. “Peace out” is cringeworthy and pitiful.

One of the shittiest and annoying things one has to cope with in modern life is mobile phones that are also mp3 players. Now, I do agree that perhaps having a mobile phone that doubles as an mp3 player is a good idea, as it saves carrying both things around, but to listen to this music without the use of headphones should surely be made a criminal offence.

The most annoying place to experience this is while on a bus, as you are unable to escape until either you, or the offending person gets off. You are also, of course, unable to say anything, as the people who are guilty of this terribly anti-social act are almost always chavs, listening to their own brand of shitty ‘music’, and who will threaten to ’stab you up’ or something equally violent and uncalled for if you have the nerve of politely asking them to turn it down (or preferably, off) before your brain melts.

So guess what chavs - no-one wants to hear your shitty music so turn it the hell off!

In this day and age of transparency, when even the smallest parish councillor must declare an interest if an agenda item is in any way connected to him; and when professionals such as lawyers, accountants and the like must at all times be aware of any potential conflict of interest, why does this care-fulness not extend to the top?

Alastair Darling, the British Chancellor of the Exchequer, stepped in a few weeks ago to urge the Bank of England (over which, incidentally, his boss Gordon Brown surrendered control during his days in the same post) to rescue the ailing Northern Rock bank, an ex-building society.

Only this past week did he have the gumption to admit, very very quietly, and in the middle of other news so it was “buried”, that he has a mortgage with…. guess who?

Yup, Northern Rock.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

There are few musicians or musical acts around who annoy me more than Akon.

The man has one real problem, given his career choice of being a mediocre at best singer: he has the most irritating voice in the world. Listening to Akon’s whiny strains has been likened by some to the enjoyable experience of “that noise when a mosquito flies into your ear.”

It is difficult to place his music too. Some call it hip-hop, though it clearly is not. Most people have thrown it into the “R ‘n’ B” genre, though where the rhythm and blues are here I would question. Having said that, the RnB label has been misused for so long it is entirely without meaning…

But the pain does not stop there.

Not only do we have to listen to Akon on the radio, and on music television - a particular favourite is his “Don’t Matter” song, which has about three words, repeated over and over again. The best bit in this song is when whingey old Akon shuts up, and they play some calypso music. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long, and Akon begins repeating:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no

About seventy billion times.

Believe it, or believe it not, the above video of Akon has been viewed over 26 million times. The world has become a sad and confusing place.

No, we also have to endure endless mobile phone ringtone adverts featuring Akon. “Get the latest Akon vibe on your celly!!!!!” Doubtless, some idiot has got this most irritating noise as their phone’s ringer. I get annoyed by phone-calls at the best of times, I can think of nothing worse than hearing Akon every time someone wants to speak with me.

Petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’

Whenever I talk about Akon, I am sure to pronounce his name the correct way - ‘Acorn’ - just like the seed of an oak tree. This is the best explanation for his voice, and also makes him more of a fun character than a serious musician. So, from now on, everyone must call him Acorn.

Acorn is not dissimilar to the friendly old character “Oakey Doke” except, of course, Oakie Doke could sing, and he had a great signature tune. Sign the petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’ by leaving a comment at the bottom. This is the only way I will countenance more music from Acorn.

Akon: a terrible parody of himself; with a horrible, whiny voice singing songs that wouldn’t sound out of place in a fourth sequel to The Lion King.

I love football and I’m a keeper, so I generally stick up for the man between the posts. However, what Dida of AC Milan did in their UEFA Champions League match against Celtic yesterday places him firmly in the Shitopedia forever.

I’m not putting him in for the mistake that led to Celtic winning the game 2-1 either.

No.

It was his ridiculous play-acting antics when a Celtic fan ran on and quite literally TICKLED his chest. Dida ran towards the fan, then exhibited what can only be described as ‘really, really lame’ acting, as he collapsed on the floor, holding his neck.

Didn’t see it? Watch this:

Dida left the field on a stretcher after this. You couldn’t make it up. First class toss-bag.

My word, how this man still has a TV show is quite beyond me!

I watched the David Letterman show the other day when I couldn’t sleep. It scared me so much I was nearly up all night. The jokes he tells are bad enough, but what nearly made me lose a night’s sleep was one question: why are the audience laughing so hard?

Seriously, he tells some of the worst jokes I have ever heard.

If Bob Monkhouse had never got his ’shit joke’ book back, and was still onscreen, he’d be outstripping Letterman’s banal comedy. But that’s not the worst of it with the David Letterman show.

You’ve also got the horrible organ music all the time while he is telling his ‘great jokes’ - unnecessary at best - and the ‘quirky’ ‘character’ who plays the organ, without who’s interjections I’m sure the whole world could live quite happily.

So many questions, so few answers.

What is that awful music for, anyway? Why must all of your guests be accompanied by it? Do you HAVE to hold up that CD every time we come back from the ad break? Why can’t you be FUNNY?

Surely Letterman has a team of researchers working on his show, he should use them to write some funny jokes, and stop being such a sycophant to his dull guests. Even then, I’m afraid, the show would still have all the appeal of doing a Klinsman Dive down Tesco’s car park, then bathing in vinegar… for a week.

Letterman on Video - Paris Hilton Interview

It had to happen - the unfunny dullard interviews the complete imbicile, watch it here as Letterman interviews Hilton:

The most ludicrous thing I have seen in a long time. Have you heard how much the audience is laughing? How much are they paid to laugh at that? Is there a big flashing “That was a joke, so you should laugh now” sign? There must be.