As I was at home today I happened to speak with a relative in Australia. OK, it was early evening his time and early morning my time, but he happened to mention that - apart from having had a couple of G&Ts - he was listening to some cheesy Christmas tracks.

This, spookily, got me thinking. I do like some Chrismas songs - carols are good for example - but… and here’s where I think a Shitopedia entry is deserved, WTF is/are ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’ or ‘Fairytale of New York’ about?! I find it highly unlikely that a muslim child in Somalia is going to understand the relevance of Christmas, and what has a random Irish song about a boat (at its most obvious) got to do with the festive season?

Then there’s Wham.

Oh, and Elton John.

’nuff said I think.

Christmas songs (but not carols!) - shite.

Happy Christmas and/or relevant festive occasion to one and all.

{edit - slapping myself for a superfluous apostrophe}

One day, driving through Leeds, we came across some sort of pirate radio showcasing the most home-spun hip-hop you’ve ever heard. The funniest thing about it is, the backing tracks are always quite good - the DJ’s use the same technology as the best hip hop artists on the scene. All you need is some equipment and a PC. Not difficult.

No, the problem is the Yorkshire accents and the chat about the “streets” of Beeston and Chapeltown. I’ve been to Beeston and Chapeltown. They are rough, but it’s hardly worthy of Brooklyn vernacular. Somehow, the accent seems really out of place in the music. It’s like Fred Dibnah dropping the base.

The worst part is just how much these musicians aspire to having a difficult and dangerous life, when really they’re not that far from the Yorkshire Dales, Harewood House, Roundhay Park and some really lovely suburbs. The urban jungle is mostly in their head.

“1xtra, 1xtra, News, News, 1xtra News”. Anyone who listens to the radio all day will understand what I mean when I say radio jingles suck. They repeat the title, or parts of the title several thousand times in different voices as though we don’t get the point.

Anyone who has seen Family Guy season 5, episode 2 “Mother Tucker” may recall “The Weenie and The Butt” radio show where the DJ’s play endless jingles and countless sound effects giving the lost and found announcements no chance.

Chris Moyles does some good parodies of this phenomenon and I found some amusing jingles on youtube but couldn’t get past this fantastic video of what it is like to actually record them - how do they keep a straight face? Watch the guy who keeps the time with his right hand:

I think the trade descriptions department needs to be activated for this piece of televisual garbage.

The latest UK installment has just started, and even without having watched any of it, it has already earned a mention on this erudite website. I have certain problems with Reality TV shows, but using viewer discretion, I am more than happy that people who enjoy them (there are apparently a few) are permitted to watch them. I choose not to. My problem is that I am limited to one English speaking radio station at the moment, and the presenters keep on going on about IaCgmooh.

This whilst I’m trapped in my steel box on the way to work. My main gripe is:

Who on earth are these so called celebrities?!

Perhaps someone who has actually watched the program can try to educate me. I have heard of one of them - the singer who had road wage or something… The rest aren’t even on the C-List as far as I can tell.

IaCgmooh is crap.

There are few musicians or musical acts around who annoy me more than Akon.

The man has one real problem, given his career choice of being a mediocre at best singer: he has the most irritating voice in the world. Listening to Akon’s whiny strains has been likened by some to the enjoyable experience of “that noise when a mosquito flies into your ear.”

It is difficult to place his music too. Some call it hip-hop, though it clearly is not. Most people have thrown it into the “R ‘n’ B” genre, though where the rhythm and blues are here I would question. Having said that, the RnB label has been misused for so long it is entirely without meaning…

But the pain does not stop there.

Not only do we have to listen to Akon on the radio, and on music television - a particular favourite is his “Don’t Matter” song, which has about three words, repeated over and over again. The best bit in this song is when whingey old Akon shuts up, and they play some calypso music. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long, and Akon begins repeating:

Nobody wanna see us together
But it don’t matter no

About seventy billion times.

Believe it, or believe it not, the above video of Akon has been viewed over 26 million times. The world has become a sad and confusing place.

No, we also have to endure endless mobile phone ringtone adverts featuring Akon. “Get the latest Akon vibe on your celly!!!!!” Doubtless, some idiot has got this most irritating noise as their phone’s ringer. I get annoyed by phone-calls at the best of times, I can think of nothing worse than hearing Akon every time someone wants to speak with me.

Petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’

Whenever I talk about Akon, I am sure to pronounce his name the correct way - ‘Acorn’ - just like the seed of an oak tree. This is the best explanation for his voice, and also makes him more of a fun character than a serious musician. So, from now on, everyone must call him Acorn.

Acorn is not dissimilar to the friendly old character “Oakey Doke” except, of course, Oakie Doke could sing, and he had a great signature tune. Sign the petition to rename Akon ‘Acorn’ by leaving a comment at the bottom. This is the only way I will countenance more music from Acorn.

Akon: a terrible parody of himself; with a horrible, whiny voice singing songs that wouldn’t sound out of place in a fourth sequel to The Lion King.