An obvious entry, but really, nobody likes them, do they?

Traffic wardens per se are not a bad thing. The fundamental problem with a Traffic Warden is their inability to see anything other than black or white (or lines of yellow) - “I’m just stopping for three minutes to unload my car” - TICKET.

Couple that flaw with an appetite for power somewhere on the anti-social side of Genghis Khan, and you see that we have a real social ill developing.

Enough said.

Traffic Wardens: ‘nobody likes us, we don’t care.’

Every now and then, a fashion or style comes along that leaves sensible people the world over shaking their heads in disbelief. One of the worst, and most frustratingly here-to-stay, is the Metrosexual Male.

There are several examples of metrosexual styling, not least in the mish-mash world of sporting celebrity, just think of the following:

• David Beckham (sarongs, long hair, short hair, permatan, etcetera)
• Christiano Ronaldo (greasy ever-changing hairstyles, purse carrying, permatan)
• Dennis Rodman (an early adopter of metrosexual style: coloured hair, hout cuture (i.e. ridiculous) fashion, etc)
• Most soccer players (permatan, straightened hair, pink shirts)

For reasons only known to the world of fashion, some time around the year 2001, men everywhere suddenly decided that hair-straighteners were for them; that moisturiser was a must-have product; and that anyone who didn’t use a sunbed at least once a week was clearly not as special as them. They were wrong.

At the time, I was relatively unconcerned: this must surely disappear as all other fads and fashions are apt, however, it seems, I was wrong.

One can only imagine the bathroom hours that are now entirely wasted by men who, in years gone by, would simply have sprayed a bit of deoderant on and brushed some water through their day old hair-gel.

Now everywhere I look in the city streets, all I can see is baby-faced boys, with highlighted hair, wearing pink, sipping moccha lattes.

Unfortunately, it would seem that metrosexuals are here to stay - there is now a cornucopia of mens health and other such magazines on the market. Even FHM, once the domain of men’s men, now features “products” - by products, I of course mean useless overpriced creams, and shaving products designed to give “that day old stubble look” which are in fact just ordinary soap which costs 20 times the normal price.

The worst aspect of all of this (and this is another aspect which is creeping into society as a whole) is that the metrosexual male has fostered the belief that he is somehow a celebrity. He wants VIP access to nightclubs; to drink the finest champagne; to have the latest and greatest hair care products; and a new hair-do each week. And all of this on a builder’s wages.

Metrosexual males: over-preened, over-tanned and over-drawn.

Owing to a number of comments and posts on the subject, the time has come for poor grammar to be given a special mention here on The Shitopedia. I do not pretend to be a literary giant or a guardian of my mother tongue. I, too, make mistakes and typos. However, poor grammar in its worst form is infuriating. Nothing gives me less pride in my nation than to hear a Brit abroad say something along the lines of, “Oh yeah we been everywhere. We done Melbourne, we done Sydney”.
continue reading "Poor Grammar"

One of the shittiest and annoying things one has to cope with in modern life is mobile phones that are also mp3 players. Now, I do agree that perhaps having a mobile phone that doubles as an mp3 player is a good idea, as it saves carrying both things around, but to listen to this music without the use of headphones should surely be made a criminal offence.

The most annoying place to experience this is while on a bus, as you are unable to escape until either you, or the offending person gets off. You are also, of course, unable to say anything, as the people who are guilty of this terribly anti-social act are almost always chavs, listening to their own brand of shitty ‘music’, and who will threaten to ’stab you up’ or something equally violent and uncalled for if you have the nerve of politely asking them to turn it down (or preferably, off) before your brain melts.

So guess what chavs - no-one wants to hear your shitty music so turn it the hell off!

We’ve all experienced them at one time or another, pavement crawlers are people who walk so slowly that we have to overtake them in the street, on foot.

There are many problems associated with pavement crawlers, not least the problem of actually overtaking people. It is quite bad for me, being a man, if the pavement crawler is a lone female, for example - I am in a rush, but there is little to tell her that I am not, in fact, an assailant of some kind. She begins to get worried and looks over her shoulder a lot as I begin to catch her up - little does she know that I don’t want to attack her, she’s just walking far too slowly to get anywhere in a reasonable time. However, still she will not speed up. I have even on occassion crossed over the road to avoid an embarrasing overtake maneuver.

Other types of pavement crawlers that are particularly annoying are those in groups. Teenage girls are quite bad, as they tend to link arms whilst dawdling up the side of the road, thus blocking the ENTIRE walkway.

Those who stop, without warning, to look in a shop window, should also be banned, as the knock on effects of the swerving and braking all those in the vicinity have to do reaps havoc on pavement proceedings.

There should be some sort of lane system, where tourists and shop browsers can dawdle around in the slow lane, without getting mown down by all the busy people. Failing that, some kind of indicators, or arm signals would be good, e.g. Signal when stopping; wave people round (it is safe to pass); put a yellow light on your head (slow moving object), etc.

Slow moving objects, such as pavement crawlers, are pretty shit.

Being Emo is very 2005.

Emos are shit because of the contradictions that they represent: “I don’t want to conform, therefore I’ll become part of a group”… and hang around outside a train station, or in a park, looking sad.

Grow up.

Just because you are a teenager, and you have a thousand hormones racing around your body, does not mean that everyone is against you, or that you have a monopoly on being emotional.

This has all been done before - emos would be mortified to realise this - so it is NOT unique, or non-conformist. Becoming emo is, in fact, an action demonstrating a complete lack of individuality.

I can just see it now: “Emo Conference 2025″ where aging emos will meet to discuss the best types of black eyeliners for those entering their 40s, and will all have a cry together, causing their mascara to run.

I’m not talking about footwear for crocodiles. That would be cool. It’s Crocs Shoes that really get my goat.

These shoes are OK for infants, to whom bright colours and horrible design may have some appeal, but any adult who goes into a shoeshop and comes out with a pair for themselves simply needs to be told.

As with skateboarding, there is an age when you should just stop doing it. Wearing croc shoes over the age of about seven is just ridiculous. And that is where the problem lies.

I have seen whole families wearing these monstrous shoes, looking extremely smug, and probably chatting with each other about how comfortable their feet are. Comfortable they may well be, but all the stares you get from everyone you pass in public must be pretty hard to shake off.

Go and get a proper pair of shoes.

Last night on the news, I saw John Howard power walking around in what must surely rival Jimmy Saville’s best wardrobe manouvres for being the most hideous tracksuit ever. A classic shellsuit number adorned Australia’s Prime Minister in grotesque lumninescent shades. Despite the news reports, I have been unable to track down an image of the offending article and so readers will have to settle for a short video of Howard’s best training  efforts:

Tres cool.