Some things in life rub us up the wrong way. Some things really grate at us, for no apparent reason. Then there is Jamie Oliver.

Jamie Oliver’s constant attempts to be a ‘cheeky chappie’ would be irritating, but forgivable, were it not for the fact that I feel seasick, because his cameraman is waving his lens around again. Is that food? I can’t tell, it looks like you’re filming it with a microscope, you’re so close.

Another thing with old Jamie, which makes him far from pukka, is his absolute overuse of olive oil. We get it Jamie. You like extra virgin olive oil. Now stop pouring it into all your recipes, and again over the finished meal. I’m pretty sure Jamie Oliver drinks olive oil instead of water.

Jamie Oliver has also got a huge hangup. Rustic. Everything must be “ruthtic”. What rustic means to Jamie, though, is that it is not chopped properly. Or washed. If it is cooked by throwing it into some ash, all the better.

I long for the day when a nice meal can again be just that: a nice meal. Not some grubby baby carrots which have been char grilled on a barbecue by a try-hard mockney pot-washer with a speech impediment.

After my complaints of yesterday (see Telly Vision), this morning’s offerings from the great and mighty BBC Breakfast, a “news” programme were the following:

1. Picture of “reporter” still living it up in Playa de Luz, Portugal, outside police station yet again telling us there was nothing to tell us.

2. Interview with McCanns’ new publicist on sofa in soft pink shirt, saying there was nothing he could say, but that they didn’t do it. Every question raised was answered with “that’s evidential and I can make no comment on that, but I can say…” So no news there then.

3. Cut to weather girl in mac in Blue Peter Garden - oh, pleeeeease.

4. Shot of “reporter” on street opposite the gates of Chelsea FC to “report” on the sacking/parting by mutual consent of Jose Marinho and the Blues, telling us again that he could tell us nothing. Fascinating shots of buses etc passing behind him.

5. Shot of policital reporter in window bay of Brighton hotel making much of the non-news created by media that the LibDems want to get rid of “Ming”. Again, most fascinating joggers, cars, buses passing behind in front of the grey grey sea. We got no farther forward there, then.

6. Discussion of a paper on airline poisonous air in cockpits and cabins, two guests, one saying yes it was poisonous and had ruined her health, the other saying only very very few pilots and staff were affected. The problem with this was the paper was not to be published until 11am - and this was between 7 and 9, so again a non-story, as they were commenting on what might or might not be contained in the said paper.

7. Winsome story about fly fishing for women post breast cancer ops, very pretty story. Don’t know how much farther it took us on our life journey.

Gawd save us! what a waste of licencepayers’ money

The internet is fast overtaking the television as the primary source of information for many people. Apparently, in the 16-25 age group, people are now spending more hours online than they do watching television. But this does not stop the TV stations from stealing their ‘news’ from YouTube (and promoting that website in the process!).

I’m sick to death off turning on the television and seeing a ‘report’ about how some kid has been ‘happy slapped’ or a bullying incident that was posted to YouTube being replayed to the TV watching masses.

That is not news, it is gratuitous reproduction of an emotive video. More importantly, it is one your news station didn’t make, so you’re not telling me anything I couldn’t have found for myself.

Politicians are at it now, so it must be bad. They are all posting their campaign and party political bullshit on YouTube, safe in the knowledge that lazy TV journos the world over will rip it off and play it on the news - “look how cool Kevin Rudd is, he put this on YouTube…” Piss off.

You’re a TV news station. By definition, you must have your own cameras. Use them. Stop stealing videos from YouTube. That’s just lazy.

Why on earth does every news broadcast use meaningless outside broadcast shots to fill up space?

For example, any crime story on the BBC has to have a reporter - or better call them commentator, for they don’t report - outside Scotland Yard (New Scotland Yard for overseas readers). There, the triangular metal signpost turns relentlessly: in the foreground, the “reporter’s” head in closeup, meaninglessly mouthing more mis-information and non-facts.

The same has been true of all the reports of the McCann case in Portugal. There, the police are not permitted to comment, but this does not stop the BBC (and other news teams) from posting a “reporter” outside the courthouse, the police station, the original holiday village, yet again telling us there is nothing to tell us.

What a waste of money.

And while we’re on the subject, why oh why do the news stations insist on putting their weathermen and women outside in a garden, on a roadway, up a mountain in the pouring rain/hurling wind/settling snow/whatever? What is wrong with a decent weathermap in a studio, complete with isobars, fronts and wind directions.

Get rid of puffy cloud-smiley sun graphics, please, and save money and time!

Host: “Complete this sentence: ‘Puff the Magic ____’ - I’ll give you a clue, the word begins with a ‘D’ and ends with ‘ragon’. If you know the answer, call the number at the bottom of this screen. All calls will cost £1 per minute, and there is a good chance you won’t get through, but we’ll keep you on the line for 8 minutes. Calls will cost a maximum of £8.98″

If I wanted to invent a way to make money from complete imbeciles, and I owned a TV station, I’d probably have invented ITV Play. There is no redeeming feature to any of the ‘games’ featured on this channel (nor those that are on the free to air ITV channel during the night).

The hosts babble on for literally hours on end without pausing for breath… or thought… and they stay so super-duper cheerful despite the fact that they have quite obviously almost fallen off the TV into complete obscurity, but are still grasping on by their very fingernails to a ‘career’ in television, even if this does consist of having to work what is essentially an 8 hour night shift which will only be watched by drunks, addicted gamblers and students.